Safe and Steady Gets You Nowhere

All my life I played it safe. I didn’t rock the boat. I didn’t push myself. I did everything I was told. I didn’t take any chances. I made sure I did the “right” choices in life. I didn’t drink, smoke, or even cuss. I never traveled. I never partied. I didn’t stay out all night. I never pushed the envelope.

All that got me was divorced, homeless, and broke.

I’m bitter. I resent my life’s choices. I dwell in the past. I wish I did more. I wish I pissed people off. I wish I broke some bones. I wish I took off across the country when I was a kid. I wish I said no a lot more than I did. I wish I lied, cheated, and stole. I should have had fun and lost it all instead of losing it all and having no fun doing it.

Now that I’m at mid life. With nothing to my name. I’m trying to figure out what it means to really live. I still haven’t figured it out yet, but I’m trying. I jumped on my motorcycle and rode across the country looking for it. I’m drove a POS bus back looking for it. I’m struggling to find it. Drinking. Doing drugs. All the things I should have done as a kid. Just trying to find what life means.

I can’t really say I have any real true friends. I have great friends don’t get me wrong. I would do pretty much anything for them. The truth is that nobody really knows who I am. I’m a shape shifter. I never let anyone really know who I am completely. Nobody on this planet really knows who I am. I don’t even know who I really am.

I don’t think anything is going to change for me. I’ve been doing it for way too long. I don’t know any other way. But, I vow that I’m going to start saying no more often. I’m going to start doing the things I want to do. I’m going to quit letting people push me around. I’m going to stop replicating what I see in other people. I’m going to stop trying to be friends with everyone I meet. I’m just going to let it happen how it happens.

I have the thickest wall around me. It’s time for me to tear it down. It’s time to reveal myself to the world. It’s time to stop being scared. I just need to remember that I have to say no to people that just want to use me.